You hear stories about yourself and wonder about perception.

Heard it was arrogance.

Heard it was uncalled.

Heard the best times and the worst sat side by side drinking.

Heard it was one date and an obsession.
Wondered how saying those words made the truth feel inside.

Heard it was violence through shop window. Scared to testify.
Wondered how that conclusion was found. Wondered if we ever exchanged words.

Heard i always wanted to be polar bear. That i was playing a role.
Wondered for who. Wondered what possible gain was gained. From adding up nights to weeks adding up months staring at ceiling cracks alone. From decaying relationships with a self hatred that makes these people run for the hills. Where the ground is stable underfoot. Where worry, doubt and sorry are foreign words. Denied even pens to write it down. Deep scars are left from biro tubes full of dead skin. Shared some things because you told me i could. We both sat and talked our own agendas into the dark. You saw me in some states you cunt. And you lied. Indulged for your personal gain. Keen to degrade. Extinguish potential threats to your immaculate veneer. To the pretend kid who copied homework and stole ideas and rode coat tails and never took the blame. As usual. I expected more.

And the next day you called to indulge your insecurities.
Well fuck i closed the door.
Fuck hoping something more.