You hear stories about yourself and wonder about perception.

Heard it was arrogance.

Heard it was uncalled.

Heard the best times and the worst sat side by side drinking.

Heard it was one date and an obsession.
Wondered how saying those words made the truth feel inside.

Heard it was violence through shop window. Scared to testify.
Wondered how that conclusion was found. Wondered if we ever exchanged words.

Heard i always wanted to be polar bear. That i was playing a role.
Wondered for who. Wondered what possible gain was gained. From adding up nights to weeks adding up months staring at ceiling cracks alone. From decaying relationships with a self hatred that makes these people run for the hills. Where the ground is stable underfoot. Where worry, doubt and sorry are foreign words. Denied even pens to write it down. Deep scars are left from biro tubes full of dead skin. Shared some things because you told me i could. We both sat and talked our own agendas into the dark. You saw me in some states you cunt. And you lied. Indulged for your personal gain. Keen to degrade. Extinguish potential threats to your immaculate veneer. To the pretend kid who copied homework and stole ideas and rode coat tails and never took the blame. As usual. I expected more.

And the next day you called to indulge your insecurities.
Well fuck i closed the door.
Fuck hoping something more.

so i gave me a stern talkin' durin' months of drunken slumber, mumbling homeward truths while ceilingbound presumptions were heightened in the darkness.

if you had heard a word i said you'd know

that i don't care what you do

i just enjoy the time we spend together.

i'm not proud

i'm not scared

Whiskey nightmares morning sweats

Saw a mouse in the living room last night, and while i had to put a pair of shoes on, i couldn't bring myself to set a mousetrap. I wonder how long we can co-exist with Mother's phobia. How long before she has forced one of us to murder.

...and while this is a metaphor, it is a true story. I am looking to escape. I am aching to walk away. Before it becomes too late.

Sometimes she cannot move, she needs her batteries charged, by a human heart. Anything for a springboard. Anything to stop or start spinning. Anything to feel different. Anything. He finds dark secrets easy to tell drunken strangers. Streamlining series of events to a simple act of consequence. With friends who always understand to end these conversations. Staring at the page missing sunrise in blue skies Watch scenery in minds eye Process memories Assign some meaning to each belief Move onto next scene. Writing words hide their truth. Its just coincidence he thought. That should set You free While lies encase You break repetitions regime Unlearn triggered response You made Yourself breakdown Self designed by external parts Your perception determined their participation. After all, are you not me?

Saw that kid from school on the coach reading moments of reprieve. Through the gap between head rests his voice said "have you read if not now when?" A strip of smiling face grinned from the table in front of me and even now, stopping to see the picture better, I cannot decide if it was a class room or a workshop. Thinking maybe it just felt like school room because of the face association process. I need endless coffee and Otis Redding to write this down for you. Thats the thing with my dreams, i cannot speak for you, remembering pictures of lessons and morals but the truth of the scene is shaded. I can tell you if i wash this off i will regret it. It was in that work house that i first realised the seriousness of my situation.

unlucky thirteen.

1. You never start from the same place.
2. You cannot unlearn. Only hope to forget.
3. Even now, forgotten truths are stored, as reference points for future decisions.
4. Its those decisions that make you me.
5. You are a fractal image of self interest. A complex equation. Twisted into such shapes by the bodies natural urge to survive.
6. It is the survival instinct that has been manipulated by the corporations who have replaced religion as the true owners of collective heart.
7. Hands up anyone who asked to join this society.
8. Hands up anyone who felt like they had the choice to opt out.
9. You are not determined by other peoples decisions but by the way you react to the situations you find yourself in.
10. Hold on to your own everchanging truth.
11. Know when to speak up.
12. Know when to stay quiet.
13. Know when to walk away.